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TW: self harm, family, death





What does it mean for someone to have feet made of clay? It comes from a bible story actually, not that I am religious at all, but I find the imagery to be powerful. A great statue, something radiating strength, has this foundation of vulnerability.

It isn’t perfect.

What do we do when people we look up to and rely on suddenly force us to come to terms with their humanity, their imperfection? I was confronted with this question recently.

My father had a nervous breakdown. He was suicidal.

It’s hard…

It just keeps getting more expansive

I am so ready to get my garden in the ground.

There is something about spring that brings the drive to plant things and watch them grow. Even people who profess to have a black thumb will often pick up a few impatiens and shove them in a pot by the front door.

Being quarantined at my family’s farm has afforded me the opportunity to actually garden for the first time in years. Not the way I would choose to be in this position, but here I am. So I am planning to make the best of it.

You’ll notice…

Shirt that I altered (see below)

It’s easy to be frustrated with stay-at-home orders. It’s boring looking at the same walls every day. The same appliances, views out the window, and people (if you don’t live alone) looking back at you.

This isn’t about health statistics and the politics of encouraging people to put their lives in danger. You want to stay healthy, and you want your family to stay that way too.

So how do you do that without losing your goddamn mind?

Search the internet or social media and you will find a bajillion suggestions for how to combat boredom and ennui while staying…

“You’re off to great places! Today is your day!” — Dr Seuss

We are out in the world. Working hard, living life, and surviving on our own is a badge of honor. We are adults now, kind of. Independence is key to self-respect in American society.

And then suddenly the bottom drops out.

Your work closes because of a pandemic, leaving you with no way to pay for rent or groceries, and your landlord reminds you they have bills to pay also. A week ago there were mild rumblings about some virus going around that wouldn’t be a big deal.

Full disclosure: I have not been formally diagnosed with ADHD, but after doing a lot of research, I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist to be formally screened. I fit the symptoms very closely and it is definitely impacting my life.

So back to that day in the life.

I woke up with energy and purpose. I am going to get some work done today.

I assembled my computer and planner and notebook. Got myself all set up. Time to get to work and be productive.

But what should I do first?

Thirty minutes later, I’ve decided to do…

We are all full of weakness and errors; let us mutually pardon each other our follies — it is the first law of nature. — Voltaire

What does it mean to be weak? Society tells us that we need to be strong always. That to be weak is bad and will lead to failure.

But what is weakness?

We are bombarded with messages about what it means to be strong and how lacking those makes us weak, but many are impossible to actually achieve. There are inconsistencies and conflicts.

If we can’t tell which of several conflicting paths is the…

Dead bodies have more bodily autonomy than uterus-bearing humans in several states, and the list just keeps growing. Every few days is another news story about a new state joining the race to the bottom of how controlling their law can be.

It seems inconceivable that in 2019, such draconian policies are gaining traction.

Including with women. I’m looking at you Alabama Governor Kay Ivey.

They seem blinded by the conviction that they will never be in a situation where they might want to have that level of control over their own bodies. …

You’re probably reading that title thinking “How does getting what you want cause more stress? Shouldn’t you be happy?”

I am happy. Don’t get me wrong.

But I have anxiety issues.

So let me break it down for you.

The thing I wanted

I am a fire spinner. Also called fire dancing, flow arts, and who knows what else, basically I move my body while manipulating an object. I can do this while part of that object is on fire.

I primarily focus on manipulating a sword.

This is not a common prop. …

Have you ever been absolutely convinced that you’re a weirdo? Some aspect of your personality or your interests is just out there. You know that if someone found out about it, they would most likely rethink their relationship with you. Potential romantic partners would run for the hills.

Guess what, everyone does.

That’s not to say that some people aren’t a little farther out there than others, but everyone has their strangeness.

Normal is an illusion.

It can be difficult to see that from inside the Matrix though. You look around and see all these normal people doing normal things…

Just looking at this makes me tired.

What’s the reason you tell others, and probably yourself, that you never get around to exercising?

You just don’t have the time.

That was it, right? It’s what almost all of us tell ourselves. It’s the excuse I used for years. Who has time to go to the gym for an hour?

I have work to do. I have chores to get done. I have errands to run.

I have social media to binge on.

There just aren’t enough hours in the day to devote one to working out even though I absolutely want to be more healthy and fit.

Erin C

A vandwelling, firespinning, sustainability nerd building a new life from the ground up.

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