Change is good when it’s authentic growth
Growth is about self-improvement, changing things that are holding us back. This might involve getting better at talking to people or taking better care of ourselves. Thinking of others more or learning to listen better.
The reality is that you change all the time. The events in your life change you in a million ways, for better or worse. We change ourselves to adapt to them.
Not every facet of our selves is equal. Some things are intrinsic to who we are as people. Others are just things we do or say or believe.
A lot of the time, those outer-ring parts are the ones other people want us to change. Be more polite. Be careful to use someone’s preferred pronouns. Take things slower.
These are ways that we can grow that change our surface.
More intrinsic qualities include how we view others, our prejudices, our propensity for generosity or selfishness, and how we handle adversity.
Growth can and should include these pieces as well when they do not serve us. It is good for someone prone to selfishness to grow to consider the needs of others. Likewise, it is good for someone prone to generosity to grow to consider their own needs.
Growth is change from the inside. While it can be instigated and encouraged by others, it is nurtured and supported by the individual.
Change is bad when someone is trying to change you
Change that is being driven by someone else’s vision for who you ought to be is the kind of change that is not healthy. It seeks to erase your intrinsic qualities and replace them with something else, a collection of qualities that make up a person that the instigator feels you should be.
This is where being yourself is key. Stand your ground.
This type of change can also target either outer- or inner-ring facets of your self. The instigator is the one with the vision, so there is no telling what combination of qualities will be targeted.
This kind of change is toxic by nature. It may seem to be change for the better, a kind of growth. What could be wrong with manipulating someone to stop smoking, for example? It’s for their own good.
Externally drive change involves a battle as your sense of your self and the instigator’s vision of your self do battle. No matter what their vision is, it isn’t one that you support or want right now, so you’re going to struggle against it. And that struggle can do damage in many ways.
First, consider the change itself: Is this change that I want and I feel will improve my life?
If the answer is yes, then grow like crazy you weed you. Get after it.
If the answer is no, then consider each half of the question.
Is this change that I feel would improve my life even though I don’t want it right now? In this case, bookmark it for later when you are ready. Sometimes it’s just not the right time, no matter how good of an idea it is.
Is this change that I want but I know will not improve my life? Willpower! In this case, you know it’s not a good idea. Resist!
Is this change that I don’t want and I know would not improve my life? Well, the course of action here is simple. Pass this one by.
Second, consider who is supporting the change: Is the desire for this change within me? Or is someone else trying to convince me or force me to make this change?
Someone else can convince you to take on a change to your personality. Then it becomes internal. However, if you’re rejecting it for whatever reason, then it is going to be an emotionally traumatic experience for you.
If you can express that to the instigator and get the pressure to stop, great. If not, then you will have to put serious thought into your next steps.
Bottom line: Change from within is the only lasting and beneficial change. No one can change you without doing harm. If someone is trying, that’s a bad sign. Get help.
