Choosing to see my insecurity and grow instead.
Most of us have insecurities. It seems sometimes like society today is hammering at us to erode what confidence we have, usually to try to sell us something.
What is insecurity?
The prefix “in” means “not” in this case. I am not secure. I lack confidence in something about myself. Insecurities can be general or very specific.
Common insecurities include appearance, sexual performance, work performance, and personality. Living in a vacuum doesn’t tend to give rise to them. Rather, it’s how these or other attributes will be perceived by others that is the catalyst.
We are not secure in how some aspect of who we are will be perceived and interpreted by someone else. Again, this could be generally other people or someone specific whose opinion matters a great deal.
At its root, insecurity is fear. Fear that the person(s) perceiving us will not like us based on the attribute(s) we lack confidence in. The more general the audience and attributes we worry about, the more pervasive the fear.
Personally, I am insecure about my appearance, my personality, my flow arts skill, and my mental/emotional health. I still retain general insecurity as it relates to people in general, but also feel it more strongly in regards to specific people. Though my flow arts skill level is a more general insecurity relating to the flow arts community as a whole.
How does my insecurity affect me?
Primarily, my insecurity causes me to doubt myself and my decisions. I second guess things I say or do to a very micro level. Sometimes I will spend hours debating one word or sentence I said or want to say, trying to imagine how the other person will hear it, trying to puzzle out what their reaction is likely to be.
This self-questioning and self-doubt is a classic sign of insecurity. If I doubt myself, of course, I doubt my decisions, reactions, and impulses. What if they don’t like me?
However, insecurity manifests in other ways that are more insidious.
Anxiety
Anxiety is another manifestation of fear in our lives. What if?
Anxiety as a manifestation of insecurity is us projecting our insecurity onto future events.
The unknown frightens us because we don’t know if we’ll be able to deal with it. We don’t trust ourselves to be able to deal with it. Our lack of confidence makes the unknown that much scarier.
We tend not to have anxiety about things we know we can handle. For example, I don’t have anxiety about my shoes untying because I know I can simply tie them again. I may have anxiety about it as it relates to making me look untidy in front of others, but not about the functional aspect of it.
Anxiety also usually has an irrational component to it though. It’s not all about insecurity, but being insecure can definitely make it worse.
Jealousy
Jealousy as a manifestation of insecurity is us projecting onto people and things that we care about.
Jealousy is often presented as proof of love, but it is a toxic emotion rooted in fear. Specifically, it is fear that we will lose that which we care about because of some personal failing within us. So to avoid that loss, we hold tightly to the person or thing we care about so it cannot have an opportunity to leave us.
If I am insecure about my physical attractiveness or my personality, I will likely also be insecure about my relationships or potential relationships. What if the other person decides they like someone else better? Someone who is more attractive and more interesting than me. Since I believe I am lacking in these areas, it seems a likely scenario.
However, my jealousy tells me that the other person is at fault. They shouldn’t be talking to that other person. They’re flirting inappropriately. They’re spending too much time with other people. These activities will lead them to leave me.
Sometimes the jealousy can completely mask the underlying insecurity so that we believe we are confident, but that the other person will choose to leave us anyway.
Jealousy is always lying to you. It’s not about anything the other person is doing. Your jealousy is about your insecurity.
Resistance to criticism
How do you react when someone gives you constructive criticism? I don’t mean someone insulting you or being mean. It’s totally normal to be defensive and upset in that situation. I mean when someone, with no intention to harm and in an entirely appropriate manner, gives you feedback that identifies areas to improve.
Do you react with anger? Do you get defensive? Do you feel insulted out of proportion with what was actually said?
I have definitely been there. I know I’m not perfect, yet any suggestion of room to improve struck me like a blow.
It’s as if admitting that what I had done was flawed was the same as saying it was entirely useless and a waste of time. There could be no in between.
Resistance to criticism is another way of projecting insecurity onto others. If they weren’t so mean as to criticize me, then I wouldn’t feel bad about my work.
Insulating myself from constructive feedback protects me from negative feelings, but it also prevents me from growing and learning.
Choosing Growth
I made the decision to confront my insecurity. I’ve been insecure about pretty much everything for most of my life. It is one of my two deepest-rooted emotional instabilities along with anxiety.
I can look back and see how the path of my life has been affected by this voice in my head telling me that I am not good enough, will never be good enough.
Finally, I had enough. I’m in my thirties and can no longer allow this force to curtail my life. I use the word “allow” deliberately. At so many critical moments, I chose to listen to the fear instead of being brave. Maybe I thought I had more time or that the possible risks were too great.
I can see now that those were lies that I told myself to keep myself inside my comfort zone.
“A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for.” — John A. Shedd
I looked inside myself and realized that these ways of thinking were not me. Jealousy is not a natural emotion for me. I don’t have a desire to keep someone to myself alone as some sort of way to avoid loss. I want people in my life to be happy. I want them to be happy with me, but I do not own them.
My own insecurity is the real problem. I’m the only one who can make myself confident in who I am, what I look like, and how I act. I can only be myself and I need to be at peace with that. I need to trust that it is enough.
I had occasion recently to receive unsolicited constructive criticism about my dancing. At first, I had that knee-jerk response of defensiveness and anger.
Couldn’t they say something nice?
I allowed that wave of emotion to pass without judgment and waited. I looked at the comment again. It was in no way insulting. It simply pointed out something I didn’t even realize I was doing and offered a suggestion to improve my technique.
After I got past my insecurity about criticism as a way to tell me I’m worthless, I could see that this was an opportunity to get better. I could take this feedback and improve my skills.
And my anxiety. Always with me from the beginning, I have seen it wane in intensity as I have taken steps to manage my insecurity. At one time, being out of cell range would have paralyzed me. What if something happened?
Now, I have spent most of a day driving around a national park alone with absolutely no service. I enjoyed myself immensely. It’s still a work in progress, but as my confidence in myself and my skills grows, I have fewer things to be anxious about.
Always on guard
Insecurity is not an easy foe to vanquish because the enemy is us. It’s too easy to get wrapped up in emotions and allow them to blind us to what is really going on. The lies we tell ourselves can seem so reasonable and logical that we don’t think to question them.
But I am not my enemy. I am not fighting myself. I am rescuing myself. I am building myself up.
What do I do?
It’s easy to feel guilty when we recognize insecurities and realize after the fact how it’s hurt us. But punishing ourselves just feeds into it. The narrative that we’ve done something wrong, that we failed, is just another layer of insecurity.
I use two main techniques to break this cycle. The first is affirmations.
Yeah, affirmations may seem silly, but it’s all about retraining how we think. You have these negative messages in your head, right? Well, replacing them with positive messages is where affirmations come in.
I start each day with one so the first thing I’m thinking about myself is positive.
I am a beautiful person and I love myself.
Then I have others I use during the day if I catch myself in a negative thought loop.
I am a confident person.
I am worthy of love on all levels.
On some particularly bad days, I might use all three. It’s not set in stone. It’s about what I need to get my mental car back on a positive road when it’s taken a questionable turnoff.
The other thing I do is talking to myself, usually accompanied by walking. I will talk through the thoughts in my head out loud. It forces me to slow them down so I can vocalize them. Then I can listen to them, process them in a new way. This often breaks the spiral and allows me to see what is happening. I can talk out the situation and how I’m feeling about it from a step back. Things get muddled inside my head and it’s difficult to keep ideas distinct.
Plus walking, the movement of it, helps keep my thoughts moving. It burns off excess emotional energy so I can think more clearly.
Don’t let insecurity fool you
Am I saying these things will work for you? No. I’m not even saying that your insecurity has to manifest in the ways I’ve described. Everyone is different.
The important thing is to question. Stay alert. Look for the underlying emotions and see if your insecurity is leading you to places that are harmful to you.
Insecurity is never a good thing. Skepticism and knowledge of our limits are not the same as insecurity. The former comes from knowledge while the latter is unhealthy and toxic fear.
Are you insecure about things? What have you done to manage it?
