“You’re off to great places! Today is your day!” — Dr Seuss
We are out in the world. Working hard, living life, and surviving on our own is a badge of honor. We are adults now, kind of. Independence is key to self-respect in American society.
And then suddenly the bottom drops out.
Your work closes because of a pandemic, leaving you with no way to pay for rent or groceries, and your landlord reminds you they have bills to pay also. A week ago there were mild rumblings about some virus going around that wouldn’t be a big deal.
Until suddenly it was.
Now, what do you do? Where do you go?
Suddenly living paycheck to paycheck isn’t the scrappy underdog story that we’ve been convinced it was by people with way more money than us.
It’s precarious and scary. Any pothole in the road leaves us potentially out in the cold with a flat tire and no way to call for help.
And now the bridge is washed out.
For many people, the answer is to go home. While not everyone has this option, it is a valid strategy to move in with parents while we wait for this crisis to pass.
But what about being an independent adult?
Societal expectations are fickle. In some countries, adult children live at home until they get married and establish households of their own.
Humans are social creatures. Nobody actually makes it on their own.
Nobody.
Sometimes people just don’t know the ones who make their success possible or choose not to see them. Supporting each other during difficult times by banding together for efficient use of resources and mutual support is a perfectly valid strategy.
In more primitive times, it was the only strategy.
Physical distancing is important. So if you are in a stable situation right now, I’m not saying to give that up. Combining households right now carries a lot of risk.
However, if you are not in a stable situation and need to find one, going to your family is not a shameful decision.
Family groups are the basis of society for most creatures in nature, including humans. In our drive for rugged individualism, we have taken that to an extreme. We have convinced ourselves that asking for help is bad somehow.
Asking for help is a failure.
The reality is that we have help all the time. Interconnectedness is now humans have survived and evolved to where we are now.
Studies have shown the severely negative effects that result from social isolation. We aren’t meant to go it alone.
But seriously, moving home to our parents’ house is a whole thing on its own.
Saying that someone moved home is code for their failures professionally and personally to “launch” into life. It signals immaturity and irresponsibility. If we are driven to such an extreme measure, we likely agonized over it for months and will do anything we can to move out again at the first possible opportunity.
Possible partners are less desirable if they live at home, regardless of the crucial role they may play in the household.
What then should we do if we are forced to move home because we lost our income due to this pandemic?
If your home situation is toxic, then, by all means, try to find a way out as soon as you can. I would never suggest staying in a place that is harmful to you.
However, sometimes the only toxicity is our own beliefs about whether we should be there in the first place. We are the ones making it toxic to be there.
It is a privilege and an advantage not available to everyone to have a stable home to go back to. Try to look past what society is telling you to see that it is your family unit supporting you. That’s what real society looks like. People supporting each other. Not lone humans trying to survive on their own no matter what.
Sometimes we can’t make it alone. And there is nothing shameful in that.
But what do you do?
Save what money you have left. Look for work if you can. Apply for benefits that you are eligible for. Conserve your resources.
Work on yourself. Take courses online. Learn a skill. Meditate.
Help out around the house. Take on tasks that are easier for you than the family members you are living with.
Money isn’t the only way to contribute.
We’ve been trained to view our value and worth in terms of the money we make and spend, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
Survival in the time of COVID-19 is going to be tricky. Our economy and society were not prepared to deal with this and not designed to support people who need it.
Sometimes family is the answer, and we shouldn’t feel like a failure because of that. While you feel like a sponge, your family may feel proud that they can help you in this difficult time. They may be saying, “Of course you should be here,” as if that was the obvious answer.
Maybe it was.
Only you can know what is ultimately right for you. But don’t let arbitrary societal rules make you feel any less for making a completely rational and understandable choice.
You’ve got enough to deal with.
